thinking

i was watching meet joe black on hbo the other day... there was this part in the movie where the character of brad asks the son-in-law what love was like. the guy replied something like "it's when you know everything about each other... know each other's darkest secrets... and they accept you... you're free... free to love each other... completely." somehow, the line didn't sound sappy or cheesy to me at all. strangely, i felt that, fact of the matter is, it rang so true.

we've been the best of friends for a little more over a decade. my day is never complete if i haven't spoken with my s.o.; the day's events, stories, chismis and whatnot seem inanimate, surreal, almost insignificant, unless i get to spill, rant, rave and recount all the details back to him. he's seen me through my ups and downs, constantly held my hand as i waded through life's barrage of random hellos and good byes, tolerated my annoying habits and have been honest enough to give me a slap back to reality when i need it...

we've somehow gotten over and beyond the infatuated dating phase, weirdly extended the probable feeling that honeymooners get for one another, and have meshed everything up into this great, grand and genuine friendship.

for a different perspective, let me put it this way: you remember the feeling when you had this good friend that you kind of developed a really big crush on because he's been so wonderful to you? and you somehow, thought that this friend/crush of yours can never be anything more than that 'cause it will just 'ruin your friendship' ? and as much as you want to stay clear of that feeling of being infatuated, you just can't help but like him more everyday? that's the way i feel.

i was supposed to meet him for our usual date one time, but i got in 30 minutes too early. i decided to go to the bookstore and flip through some on the sale rack (yes,i'm cheap that way). i don't know how it happened, but i somehow got distracted and started checking out this guy browsing through some other book s by the shelves. i was so drawn to him that i followed to get a closer look. imagine my embarrassed and happy surprise to realize it was jeric. :)

gawd: i apparently STILL have the biggest crush on him!

we find comfort in each other, and we enjoy the simplest of things...
i still blush. i still get kilig. and i still find some of his jokes corny, and yet i guffaw like crazy.

we find comfort just hanging- out at his cousin's house and celebrate the camaraderie with an endless supply of green manggoes, bagoong and a slew of other street food... :) on most days, we'd stay at home and watch downloaded movies, while munching on his sister's freshly baked goodies. on days that we do decide to go out- out, we have a built-in radar for each other that we can sort of 'echo-locate' for the other in a sale- crazed mall, sans our mobiles.

darnit.
what if we decided to call it quits?
i should have other friends, just in case...

but then again, who could ever come close? :) i love him.

purse driven

so, as i was waiting for my coffee to be delivered, i 'accidentally' eavesdropped on a conversation with some ladies from the next table. they kept on yapping about clothes, chismis and fashion... it was a funny/ annoying exchange to listen to as i mentally ticked some grammatical errors, mispronunciations and stupid nonsense. i was having quite a bit of fun and about to mentally tune out the noise with my ipod when i heard them say: 'forget the wallet: it's what's inside your purse that tells so much about you'. hmmm...

i always kind of knew that i really have a teacher/ mom's bag: what with my hair clips, wet wipes, atomizer with alcohol, sanitizer, candy, breath mints, pink pens, notebook, usb... blah blah blah... but purse? kikay kit? hmmm...

in response to the mundane thought that those ladies have given, here i am, dumping out my stuff on the bed, trying to give you a 'glimpse' of what kind of a person am i. i kind of re-dumped it on top of my red bag (for contrast), and here are my daily kikay companions

i guess i've got the usual kikay stuff: if you find that i lack something of importance, let me know. better yet, make the purchase and send it my way. ;D i must be nixing/ overlooking all the 'other' essential products as i'm constantly running after my kids... that doesn't mean i have to a haggard looking teacher though!

so, what's in your purse? ;)

pens and moods

can i just say that i absolutely ADORE color pens?

i'm almost sure that this romantic infatuation started to become more serious than usual when i got into ECED... ;) you see, i think using RED is too boxed- in; cliché. too serious &/ intimidating... when one spots blushes of pink, purple, green or light blue on any document, however, it makes whatever nasty comment/ editing become more... bearable. :) i guess, in a way, color pens help set my mood: having a colorful set of markers and pens on my desk generally lightens up my mood, makes my editing/ correcting tasks tolerable and obviously makes my comments VERY easy to spot in an otherwise dull piece of paper. ;)

i remember feeling a sense of weird accomplishment once when i finished up the ink of a pen i bought... i guess it kind of made me feel like, 'wow, i didn't lose my pen in the mysterious pen black hole!' and that i must have been working (or doodling!) something fierce because i got to finish the whole thing up! ;p hehe... i know: weird, right? i guess only a select few will be able to understand what i really mean. :)

anyway, i've (apparently) been impulse- buying cute colored pens lately from the bookstore whenever i have the chance (and extra cash!). i think my state of dependence/ pen-happiness is starting to get out of hand though: i just realized that i practically have a whole tool box of different color pens in school and at home! :o

anyway, as if that would stop me. ;D so, here's my new set of babies! (see how my pair of glasses are excited to check them out, too?!)

to deny something like this kind of impulse buying and obsessive infatuation with colors would be ridiculous...

I LOVE PENS!!! :D (and the process of scritch- scratching off the price tags, too!)

so, this is where shameless promotion (or begging!) takes flight: for people who might chance upon this post and want to get on my good side, please feel free to bribe me with colored pens. shades of hot pink, lemon yellow, sky blue, lime green, orange and purple are most welcome. :)

and oh, please don't feel restricted to showering me with just cute- colored pens... chalk, glass and white board markers are acceptable too. ;D

treating myself

in celebration of my new found happiness (i.e.: life after ****), i made baked prawns for dinner! yey!

*pardon the cheap shot photo: i'm still using my 4 year old casio. :)*

i slathered crab fat and topped it with local kesong puti. and no, i didn't forget to prepare garlic butter with lemon for dribble during the meal!

yumyumyum!

fresh start

it's FINALLY OUR MID- YEAR BREAK! :D (hurrah!) a few more months to endure and i'll be off to start anew! after 5 academic years, i'll be bouncing to a different beat and walking into a whole new environment... thank goodness! God IS merciful!

i just finished typing my resignation letter; i was initially planning to submit it in december... i was even planning on turning it into such a big deal by asking all the other teachers who were planning to resign to collectively submit it all on the same date! ;p but, thankfully, someone with more angst came along and shook me to my senses: why not submit in february? that way, hr will be in full emergency- panic to fill in the positions! i'm sure it'll be a riot! :)

and of course, i've also started updating my CV!

geez. it's been too darn long since i made my last one: i'm currently finding it too challenging for my *now-on-sleep-mode* mind! (try making your CV now/ on whim if you don't believe me... ugh!) i've also been sniffing out schools and scanning through other options in my head... dad says i should probably just go take a break, study and travel at the same time. though that IS inviting, i don't want to freeload too much on my folks. huller: i already HAVE a 100% disposable income due to the fact that i'm living and dining here at home! (which is not really a bad thing... hardy-harhar!) anyhow, i'll see how everything turns out...

so, in a nutshell: i'm planning to resign. i just finished typing in my resumé. i'm still undecided on what i plan to do next year: study? travel? business? aaargh... so many choices, and i have all the time in the world! (yahoo for me!)

i've never been this dang reckless! oh well: off to a fresh start! :)

moments

my brother, matthew, told us a few months ago that he's tying the knot with his long- time girlfriend, madel. *yey!* :) they've since then, let us tag along in their quest to find the perfect church (main qualifier being that it has to have really big doors for the grand entrance of the bride ~ aaaw!), asked for help in choosing the best reception place, and matt has even asked for a consensus on which engagement ring style to buy. they were originally planning to settle at our old house in pilar, which is like, a block away from the family house of madel, but, my ever generous and bibbo mom and dad decided to buy them a newly renovated house instead. still in pilar, but relatively further from the in-laws to be (probably so they could have some semblance of independence? :) we joked that maybe they wanted to stay at the old house so they could easily walk to the in-laws for breakfast, lunch and dinner ;D) i'm sincerely happy for both of them. my brother has everything down pat. it's amazing to see him answer with much confidence, of their wedding plans and of their plans to eventually settle in singapore due to work. grabé. :)

they're due to get hitched by may 2009. we're actually having the pamamanhikan (a filipino tradition where families of the groom and bride to be meet... think engagement party.) proper next weekend. ;j *whoah!* taas kamay! :) i'm just sooo happy for my brother. it's overwhelming. :)

time is definitely moving too fast now, and somehow, has managed to catch up with the rest of us. everywhere i look, people are deciding to get engaged/ married. hehehe... i hope it's not some kind of fever people catch! ;)

a childhood friend recently posted a picture of her and her two girls. a former 'suitor' sent me a pic of his triplet daughters. countless batchmates have proudly professed their love for their s.o. and have shamelessly posted it all over the internet. :) despite all the tragedies in the world, the financial crises and the recent worldly controversies, there are still some who take the plunge and to start anew. and i'm so proud and genuinely happy of all of them. i'm continually amazed at people who manage to start afresh; i feel truly ecstatic for these people that i love.

then, some emotional gate crasher manages to get under my skin as they go "o... so, kamusta ka naman? are you ok with all this? pano ka na nyan?" sheez... panira ng moment. these people really proves that misery just LOVES company.

trying to make me feel 'miserable' is just plain pathetic and boring. these subtle emotional psychosis is actually a reflection of their own insecurities. :D laugh trip~ they have no idea that they're the ones who are rendering themselves vulnerable to me. ;)

why can't these darned neanderthals get it that not everyone fit that miserable mold wherein people get decidedly bitter at another person's good fortune? haaay... sa mga tinatamaan: please, grow up. be happy. for once in your miserable lives. TRY to be happy.

if you can't, just LEAVE. duh.

with great power comes great responsibility

and it apparently rings true. you do something extraordinary/ unexpected, and people will hound you for more.

good work is equivalent to more work. i thought that it just applies to where i live; apparently, there's a strong following in companies everywhere.

sometimes, i kinda feel like: "hey cool! they're taking notice of ordinary me." *blush* and so they shower me with public acknowledgments, let me take the reins to a start up project, consult me in making decisions, take me out to lunch/ dinner, etc... it's not that i'm ungrateful, because really, i truly am. but it's just that the ones that i just mentioned? they're not keeping me financially stable. in fact, they blind me with the facade of being a VIP, when truly, they're just casually putting a tighter collar around my neck so i can work out of 'delicadeza/' gratitude. *hmph!*

just last week, they called me in to meet up with an architect so we could 'pool' on what are the strengths and weaknesses of the school, what we can improve on, etc... geez, what a mismatch. i'm no architect, i have no background on structure, i am more aesthetically challenged than anyone, so why pick me? but i suppose it was STILL way better than being stuck at home, so, stupid, push-over me still went ahead with the meeting. that 'meeting' made me walk through all 5 campuses. in the dead of a VERY humid afternoon. thank GOD i brought my humongous doña fan. i candidly refer to that meeting as my 'campus tour' with the architect. :) hehehe! (i wasn't laughing in the heat then)

we had our first ptc for the academic year (teachers like me usually get so stressed and worked up at this time) this week, so i didn't really get around giving my feedback/ evaluation till yesterday (saturday, 2AM for that matter). gawd. i was late for a stupid report, that they're not even expecting/ asking for, for a full week. what a horrible employee i am. and ang kapal ko: i sent it straight to the top for review. i'm talking ceo, mentor and owner of the school. how about that. and it was no formal report; i just managed to type away in exactly the same way that i'm writing now. sheez. i sent the same message to my immediate boss as well (just in case) and she thanked me for being 'comprehensive' about it. the BIG BOSS on the other hand, wants to send her an sms of my free schedule so i can take time out to meet up with her on monday/ tuesday so she'd see exactly what i was talking about. she wants all the other engineers, architects and iso safety people to tag along as well so they'd know how to fix the flaws, asap. holler?! who's power tripping?

i have to admit though that this is a growing addiction. i usually have the perfect excuse to not spend so much time at home since i'd need to meet up with them, have an emergency meeting, visit a site, attend a seminar, share a thanksgiving dinner, host an event; god knows how eternally gratefully i am to things/ people that help me avoid hanging at the house.. going back, i'm also one of the few employees who see right through their power tripping facade and have a mental picture of each person, guffawing over a joke, eating a burrito, getting dirty and harassed... i also get to hear what, why and when something is going to happen; i know of the inside stuff before it gets out, and how can i ignore the oh.so.yummy.chismis about everyone else?! *grrr* i'm eternally curious... i like to be updated (maybe i's the communication graduate in me), and like i said: it's addicting.

but all those nice things i enjoy also play a role as to why i consider leaving. i'm now well aware of the flaws of the everyone, of the entire institution for that matter; the dirt everyone is hiding; the facts that some are denying. i even know of the company's so called beauty, inside and out. that the wizard's first rule really applies to all this. "people will believe what they want to believe." you show them half an apple and keep on telling the crowd that it's a whole apple, eventually they will take it on as a gloriously amazing truth. tell them an apple is an eco- friendly commodity, and they'll buy it, even though it really isn't as good as they say... (hehe! sidetracking again...) but really: sometimes it's not right to know too much. unfortunately, i fit the bill of that state-witness that everyone wants dead. i know too much and i know how it really works. and it's frustrating to know that somehow, i AM playing a role in the elaborate stage play that is ****.

*aaargh* is it march yet?! i have to leave...

to be a trained pathological liar

they say the truth can set you free... i didn't mean to be what i have become; it's just that i have finally resigned to the fact that lies are easier to accept over hard 'truths'. to look the other way, deny and/ ignore the obvious truth is just plain easier and bliss-filled to most. (think: "you want to hear the truth?! you can't HANDLE the truth!")

take for example a parent who denies that his/ her child has a learning disability. or falling below average. or has signs of mental retardation. or is already starting to make decisions on their own. or, (horror of horrors! gasp! choke!) growing up.

lying is a skill developed. in my case, i've been training for the past 20something years. i didn't mean to be a like this at all, but the effect of telling the truth always brought more trouble and caused more harm than good in my life. telling the truth about where and who your 'friend' really is with; saying what your coworkers REALLY say behind your back; shedding light on the blatant corruption going on in the workplace; pointing out the manipulation and abuse of power of people from the 'inside;' who your friends are; where you're really hanging out tonight... and my list goes on and on...

it's funny how easy it is for me to be 'myself' when surrounded by friends and colleagues; being able to speak about harsh realties, truthful opinions, and voice out and throw hard balls at each other without judgmental malice. i can NEVER have that with my immediate family.

it's been a hard fact of my life that my relationship with my folks will always be sour and estranged. maybe the age gap is too wide that we just can't agree, or maybe it's the paranoia of seeing their eldest daughter be used by karma to get back at their 'past'... i will never be sure. but still, to be fairly realistic, i'm thinking that it's probably the result of bad experimental parenting: being their first child, they probably didn't know how else to deal with me back then.. i could never shake off the feeling that i was the 'trial and error' phase they had to go through.. they probably got better along the way though (they should probably thank me for that, then) as they seem to have become better, having more 'open' relationships with my other sibs. in my case though, i guess they just couldn't find a way to make the 'new found techniques' apply to me... the bad foundation has already been laid and has set long ago: so, here we are, never being able to get out of the rut we're in.

according to something i read, people hide in the dark what they are ashamed of...

i am not ashamed of what i do, or what connections i keep nor in which relationships i try to maintain. don't get me wrong, i have, in fact, tried to gradually wean my folks to hearing the 'truth' from me this year. i.e.: improving/ saving whatever relationship we have. i have casually (and ever so respectfully) tried to voice out my opinions, dipped my hands more in family matters, empathized with familial concerns... i even started sharing about what happened at work, tried to ask for their guidance when i needed to make significant decisions, introduced them to colleagues and friends, made my s.o. more visible at our home, told them where i was really going, and who i was really going out with... i even went as far as having regular movie dates with my folks, just to find some common ground so we could breed trust and confidence... unfortunately, it didn't pan out the way it's supposed to be.

people have time and again advised me to "talk to them" more. to give them a chance to hear me out; to let them get to know me... uhm, hullo: i am their daughter. living in their house. for the past 26 years. i HAVE tried to reach out. i've tried to bridge whatever gap there was between us, numerous times. all ended in a cold war, shouting match and painful resentment. i'm just so sick and tired about trying to fix this. i guess i should just leave it as it is. they can't tell the difference anyway. i'm tired. and i am so done trying.

so, as you can see, i did try to tell the truth. but it just doesn't work that way here.

so, here i am, reverting to become, once again, an all natural, pathological liar. showering my parents with the false truth that they so willingly and blissfully accept, and sharing my blissfully happy truths with the 'other' company i keep... *sigh* thank GOD for my new found family: the pulidos and for the concepcions. they're unbelievably awesome. thank goodness too for friends who know me and accept me as i am. :)

sayang.
i just hope that someday, they'll realize it was THEY who ruined the opportunity, and nonchalantly pushed me away.
i hope one day, they'll realize, that it's my friends who know me better; and that they never really knew me at all.