to be a trained pathological liar

they say the truth can set you free... i didn't mean to be what i have become; it's just that i have finally resigned to the fact that lies are easier to accept over hard 'truths'. to look the other way, deny and/ ignore the obvious truth is just plain easier and bliss-filled to most. (think: "you want to hear the truth?! you can't HANDLE the truth!")

take for example a parent who denies that his/ her child has a learning disability. or falling below average. or has signs of mental retardation. or is already starting to make decisions on their own. or, (horror of horrors! gasp! choke!) growing up.

lying is a skill developed. in my case, i've been training for the past 20something years. i didn't mean to be a like this at all, but the effect of telling the truth always brought more trouble and caused more harm than good in my life. telling the truth about where and who your 'friend' really is with; saying what your coworkers REALLY say behind your back; shedding light on the blatant corruption going on in the workplace; pointing out the manipulation and abuse of power of people from the 'inside;' who your friends are; where you're really hanging out tonight... and my list goes on and on...

it's funny how easy it is for me to be 'myself' when surrounded by friends and colleagues; being able to speak about harsh realties, truthful opinions, and voice out and throw hard balls at each other without judgmental malice. i can NEVER have that with my immediate family.

it's been a hard fact of my life that my relationship with my folks will always be sour and estranged. maybe the age gap is too wide that we just can't agree, or maybe it's the paranoia of seeing their eldest daughter be used by karma to get back at their 'past'... i will never be sure. but still, to be fairly realistic, i'm thinking that it's probably the result of bad experimental parenting: being their first child, they probably didn't know how else to deal with me back then.. i could never shake off the feeling that i was the 'trial and error' phase they had to go through.. they probably got better along the way though (they should probably thank me for that, then) as they seem to have become better, having more 'open' relationships with my other sibs. in my case though, i guess they just couldn't find a way to make the 'new found techniques' apply to me... the bad foundation has already been laid and has set long ago: so, here we are, never being able to get out of the rut we're in.

according to something i read, people hide in the dark what they are ashamed of...

i am not ashamed of what i do, or what connections i keep nor in which relationships i try to maintain. don't get me wrong, i have, in fact, tried to gradually wean my folks to hearing the 'truth' from me this year. i.e.: improving/ saving whatever relationship we have. i have casually (and ever so respectfully) tried to voice out my opinions, dipped my hands more in family matters, empathized with familial concerns... i even started sharing about what happened at work, tried to ask for their guidance when i needed to make significant decisions, introduced them to colleagues and friends, made my s.o. more visible at our home, told them where i was really going, and who i was really going out with... i even went as far as having regular movie dates with my folks, just to find some common ground so we could breed trust and confidence... unfortunately, it didn't pan out the way it's supposed to be.

people have time and again advised me to "talk to them" more. to give them a chance to hear me out; to let them get to know me... uhm, hullo: i am their daughter. living in their house. for the past 26 years. i HAVE tried to reach out. i've tried to bridge whatever gap there was between us, numerous times. all ended in a cold war, shouting match and painful resentment. i'm just so sick and tired about trying to fix this. i guess i should just leave it as it is. they can't tell the difference anyway. i'm tired. and i am so done trying.

so, as you can see, i did try to tell the truth. but it just doesn't work that way here.

so, here i am, reverting to become, once again, an all natural, pathological liar. showering my parents with the false truth that they so willingly and blissfully accept, and sharing my blissfully happy truths with the 'other' company i keep... *sigh* thank GOD for my new found family: the pulidos and for the concepcions. they're unbelievably awesome. thank goodness too for friends who know me and accept me as i am. :)

sayang.
i just hope that someday, they'll realize it was THEY who ruined the opportunity, and nonchalantly pushed me away.
i hope one day, they'll realize, that it's my friends who know me better; and that they never really knew me at all.