at the mercy of the cosmos, i am a necessary evil

feels weird

2009-03-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

i'm doing a not-so-quiet countdown till the kids leave for summer. 10 f***** school days to go!!! :) i think i'm the first teacher in campus who's blatantly announcing that i sooooo can't wait for vacay. :D *cue my kids* "no!!!! teacher gelaaaa!!!!" -ubo, ubo, ubo.

something weird happen lately... a jilted suitor popped out of nowhere and is now trying to update/ reconnect. being the person that i am, i assumed it was pretty ok since hello, that whole suitor thing was sooo college... what about 6-7years ago? so anyway, so here i am who went ahead and accepted the fb thing. wonder of wonders, he got to my email (i'm sooo not tech savvy, that's why i'm surprised) and started going for a chat. the first time we got online was pretty ok. the updates, the kumustas, bolahan and lokohan were there, but overall, ok, i suppose. i even told jeric about it and he didn't feel nor say anything iffy about it. (..which is kinda what i expected from mr.oh.so.confident! ;D)

the one from last night was weird though. i slept in too early yesterday that i accidentally woke up half past 2am this morning. went online to check email from co-teachers (and skim thru fb... hehehe!) when there we go again, he pops out of nowhere. weird. what were the chances that he was also going to be awake by that time too? anyway, chatting this am with him was sooo weird. and i sooo regret reconnecting. hello: i am NOT here to be his counselor/ psychiatrist. grabe: talk about hang ups! ugh. as usual, i'm disappointed to witness the age-old adage that people do get older, just not necessarily smarter, or, better. gawd. he's older than i am and he should be able to fend for himself. i'm so not here to mother older people. mother my kids, sure, but for grown up men?! excuse me while i roll my eyes.

argh. tanga ko ren that i tolerated the whole sorry chat thing for over 2hours... argh... going for invisible mode from now on. :) lurk lurk lurk...

unbelievable

2009-03-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

i always thought that i had a one tracked- reason as to why i wanted to resign and leave the country all together... wonder of wonders, i got to sort my thoughts out as the big lady boss (ie: THE boss) sat me down yesterday about it... gawd: i never thought i had a deep- rooted 'disappointment' over a variety of things, which i guess, just got pent up, which i suppose, lead to this natural course of getting.up.to.leave.everything.behind.as.i.think.things.over.for.a.fresh.start.

the drop everything to start anew (be a BUM in a foreign land) is such a humongous step for me... and it's scaring the scrappy-doodles out of me... but somehow, i'm glad that THIS change of everything familiar might turn out to be a positive challenge. the force/push needed to bring about something good in the long run. *sigh* anyhow, i'm hoping that i won't BE a bum most of the time. REALLY hoping i get the most of my time by getting a chance to study a new course or something... hehehe! go lang ng go while people can still finance me! *haha!* besides, if THAT plan doesn't pan out, the big lady boss back here just got me completely stoked by offering me such a big piece of the action, that i'm thinking twice about saying no to it! *aaargh!* has she got me again?! gawd! i hope she doesn't reel me in too soon! but dang... she's going to put another one THERE, just to keep widdle ole me?! gawd... talk about ego boost!!

*curses!!!* where's a witness when you need one?! ;D

it's lovely

2009-02-19T05:57:00.000-08:00

to watch people fall... and watch them get (satisfyingly!) grimey as their own **** hits the fan! :D teeheehee!

buti nga... that's what people get when they convene and plot and pointedly make an effort to disrupt and ruin my good day...
HA! they SOOO don't know who they're messing with. ;)

while my kids and i had fun, i gleefully watched 'them' pick up the spoils, stress and lick their wounds.
hmmph! that's what YOU get, biatches!!! muwahahaha!!! >:D

it's nice to feel attractive

2009-02-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

i mean, yeah, DUH.
but i never really took it into serious account, until yesterday.
*mind you: this is my ME moment. stop reading if you can't stand it.*

i've always felt personally good about myself since i'm always surrounded by tiny tots who love me unconditionally. the hugs, kisses, sweet hair caresses and the endless supply of little drawings and notes to teacher always made me feel happy, loved and beautiful here. :) my s.o. of over a decade never fails to make me blush with kilig with his one liners and sweet nothings. but strangely, i always thought that well, kids ARE kids, and would love their next adviser as much as they initially loved me, and my s.o., well, i kinda thought that it's the normal expected reaction when you're in a relationship for that long... i just never thought i was really attractive, till yesterday.

i gave a career talk to about 4 schools, who numbered to over 400 attendees. it was a mixed group US males and females. i guess it went pretty ok, since i got a lot active participation from both the guys and ladies during the event, which from my perspective, is a really good sign since that meant that they didn't find me THAT intimidating. :) so anyway, sure, i usually get hit-on by the professionals, but to get the flirty eye from several US senior students?! incredulous! i have to admit, that was a VERY nice ego boost! gawd knows how badly i needed one at the moment... but seriously, it was an unexpected reaction: i mean, yeah, hormones and pheromones ARE most likely to be high (given their age and the fact that it was a day before v-day), but given my size, my weight, my age, my profession... i didn't think i would be to their taste.. ;) not that they stood a chance. but still. it's just a ME moment taking over and talking here. a sliver of hope that yeah, maybe my kids and my s.o. aren't exactly biased with the way they treat and see me...

maybe i AM still puurrteee! ;D

sidenote

2009-02-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

i also came to realize that, much as i try, i can only take so much ear abuse at a get together... i will always be a bigger fan of just chatty gossiping and sensible conversation. i realized that i DO pass up on some people whom i assume probably grew up in some place where they were mountains away from each other: hollering and breaking sound barriers was a necessity they got used to, just to pass on the news to another village... *sigh* i'm sure there's a part of them that's pretty decent, but i guess i don't have much patience to wait for any sign of sensible intelligence when they start working on local celebrity gossip... don't get me wrong: i'm normally ok with any kind of thought, idea or hear-say anyone may want to share... it's just that i just CAN NOT tolerate hearing any of it in 'hard core PALENGKERA vernacular'. *ugh* i guess some habits are just hard to break for some (both mine and their's). i'm not all for straddling what seems to be my high horse, but i guess this is my 'me' moment. sounding like a boring ditz is my way of shoo-ing away people i just don't like at all.my way of weeding out the bad, i suppose. at least i'm not being outright rude... or am i?! heeheehee....

today i realized....

2009-02-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

we just had our annual sportsfest in school, and you see parents/ teams backstabbing each other over a few measly points. parents complaining, crying and hollering... GAWD. all the backstabbing, rumor-mongering and the low blows are so *sigh* ridiculously pathetic. TACKY. and these are the supposed educated bracket?! unbelievable. no wonder the children turn out to be future brats... ick: you see your mom/ dad shouting, yelling, whining, boo-ing teams at a 'friendly family game'... ugh: the fruit wouldn't fall far from the tree... i feel so disgusted. they are such a pain....

and speaking of insecurities, a friend of mine mentioned a few moments ago that this pain-in-the-ass 'cohort' has TONS of insecurities... which explained her desperate and annoying behavior. DUH. she's so ironic. she's flippy brand-conscious because the poor person can hardly afford; she's quick to note and ask for relationship flaws because hers is so demented and retarded; she's so defensive on her 'communication prowess' because... well, ok: guess i'll stop there because i don't want to stoop that low. :) but seriously: i'm glad to know that i'm not the only one who finds her pathetic and annoying. not that i want people to rally and gang up on her, just to get even... but eitherway: HURRAH for the enlightened ones! ;)

and just so i can post it:
t.i: the manner and the content of things that a person speaks of and takes interest in DOES tell how intelligent you are. (duh, stupid.)
'rents: the family sportsfest is a time for children to enjoy the company of their parents while they are in school... activities done here are all just for fun and games. not a matter of life and death. it is an opportunity to celebrate unity in diversity, not a time to encourage rifts and create bigger, wider ravines among teammates and ripple family feuds.... besides: your children will be watching how you behave and handle a stressful/ high- pressure situation: don't you think you should behave appropriately as a way of setting a good example for your child? i'd hate to hear you complain about your child's tantrum: i might flip my head too far back while laughing at your face and blissfully break my neck!!! ;p

AAARGH.

so

2009-01-31T05:48:00.000-08:00

they DID find something that explains the infernal headaches and the current maternal weirdness.
there was some unnatural growth, just as i expected. but, (like i also expected) it is nothing i should be worried about as the growth is only a few centimeters small and does not need any surgical attention at the moment. the doc prescribed me some meds to take to keep the migraines at bay. the only thing that bothers me though is that it is so freaking expensive that each tablet costs over a P100. darn it. does that mean no more beauty pampering for me?!

grr... after dragging my feet to the drugstore i figured i really DON"T want to spend on overpriced meds... i kind of thought that well, it's the growth that's acting like a natural birth-control anyway! unfortunately, my s.o. didn't quite see it the way i did... he almost whacked me on the side of my head for even considering such a thought... he's decided to shell out on all my maintenance meds while i get to keep my pampering money. (yey for spoiled, vain me!)

and oh... i didn't get to mention that i've started to apply for a teaching position in other schools while my plan to go study abroad is in sudden limbo... so far, i've already been to 2 interviews and another one on monday, which makes it to a total of 3. :) hehe: not a bad stat, considering the fact that i thought that everyone has freeze hired due to the economic slump... and to think that i just email blasted my resumè just last weekend? really: not bad at all...

been out and around

2009-01-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

december: went to singapore with the whole family for the holidays and confirmed a fact that's been nagging me all this time... we will never be able to stand being together and moving as a sigle unit if it's going to last more than 2 days. unfortunately, the trip dragged on to 7. thank gawd for the wonders of ipod where you can just shut everyone out. and you gotta love singapore! it's such a tourist friendly place, you can step out of the hotel and just as confidently arm yourself with a map: it's IMPOSSIBLE to get lost.

january: well, after dancing around the whole shinanigan, i've finally been confronted by my immediate boss and she's asking for me to stay on for another year... at least until they find a replacement daw. i told her that the reason why i gave my resignation letter early on in december is that i was being considerate of the department and of the hr and was actually giving them a heads up in looking for another teacher to fill the position! *argh!* now i feel a little unsure if i should leave or stay pa because i don't have a stable back- up plan yet! argh! and i think she can see it written all over my face! ungh... she's trying to 'threaten' me with a phonecall from dr.tan... grrr!
in other words, i had to fix my nonchalance and arm myself with a back-up plan so i'll be more decisive the next time t.avic talks with me.. i just email blasted my resumès today at random to some prospective schools... not that i'm expecting anyone to reply... pero kung meron, edi masaya! :)

mom and i are also thinking of making some arrangements so we can finally head for the embassy to renew my passport... i'm keeping my fingers crossed for that one. :) yey for obama and the promised land! i set my alarm just so i could watch the inauguration simultaneously with the rest of the world... this, after a long day of chasing and dragging my kids around three sites for our field trip... i cried and laughed at the same time. what a great and 'interesting' time we live in. ;) amazing.

ok... so, i just noticed that it's almost 2am... hehehe! better hit the sack soon: i have my mri scheduled for later this pm... yes, yes: i finally got around it and finally scheduled the appointment. to the relief of my doctor! holler: 6 years in the making; she called me in for an mri instead of the originally planned ct scan. hehehe! oh well! cè la vie! i'm also scheduled for a prolactin check... hay! hope they find something so i can finally put everything to rest!

small things

2008-12-19T06:15:00.000-08:00

turned up the charm and clicked away like crazy. :) wala nang hiya-hiya: this is the last time i'm going to attend a fun christmas party at the school, so, here's what it looked like! (and oh: we're supposed to dress up in 'rocker' theme so, these are REALLY not the typical school get up... i had no plans on going as an emo punk kid, so i tried my darnedest to come in dressed as a groupie from the 70s. :D)

these are my partners in crime. :)

the family that i ran to every time i'm feeling overwhelmed with students, parents, or otherwise... :D they brushed the dirt and dust off me, then urged me to prod on. they taught me the ropes as i swung along recklessly by... then, wonder of wonders, they gradually pulled me to aim and reach for things i never even imagined. i've come to realize (and appreciate the fact) that sometimes, you WILL need some tough love to let stubborn ol' you, grow. :) either way, my bottom-line would still be this: these are the friends that i KNOW i can rely on. :)

***and now, i interupt this aaaw.moment with some people you should 'rub elbows with' when you're here in school... (hahaha!)***

*1st pic~with dr.tan: the owner of the school CAN let her hair down :) super kwela the way she kept on flashing me with the glittery stars on her lashes! KULET! ; 2nd pic~this is ms. beng: our principal who's got a fetish for stilettos and has got a VERY contagious laugh! :D 3rd pic~with our witty DP, t.avic who's forever young and a constant inspiration. :) 4th pic~ t.phi acting like 'gela.' :D ADP yan, ha! never imagined that the person i disliked the most during my first year would be the best bud/ boss i'd ever had. ;D 5th pic~my forever o.c. partner in most events i get to emcee.. US DP sir ac, aka: 'mr.sungit'... no more!!! :D

and though i had so much fun watching the riot laugh trip that each department presented, it was ms jojie who made my evening brighter: super show stopper. she gave me this...

;D *insert screaming.and.giggling.idiotic me here* AAACK!!! i finally have one!
(vain shot: if you look closer, that's me on the framed tarp of the school credo. :) love it!)

30minutes to midnight

2008-12-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

even though i came in uber late, i did expect to see most of the crowd still there. :)
yes, yes... the teacher DID manage to have a life. sorta. at least for a night. :) i managed to snap a few pics, swap some stories and swig on a couple of shotglasses with a few batch mates at our 10 year manresan reunion at tavern asia. :)
there were just some people who didn't need to be drunk to ACT like they were drunk, and i find them HILARIOUS! *laughtrip!* also, i think that the fact that the place WAS small, it got kinda cramped and made it almost inevitable for everyone to just start mingling and gossiping. *haha!* although, it still amazes me to see that there WERE some stubborn people who just didn't manage to get off their high horses... *pfft!* not a big loss. *teehee!* gosh: i'm so embarrassed at the fact that i'm SOOO not updated with most of anyone... i kept on stepping on eggshells the whole time! aaargh! of course, i apologized heartily after doing damage but, nonetheless, it beats ANY kind of other gossip since most of what i found so interesting, i got right from the horses mouth *wink!* sigh... so sad nga lang some of what i heard... but life's like that, i suppose... so, bring it on, and just roll with the punches! :)
i have to say that it's nice to see familiar faces... especially since i've been apparently living under a rock. ;D it really is wonderful to see that indeed: people DO manage to grow up. whether for the better, or worse version of themselves. still. :) cheers to all the people that we once were, the persons that we are now, and the developments that will be! *sip*glurg*burp!*

kudos too, to the organizers of the event: send/ post pics and links! :)

*snapshots from the evening... este, morning. :) *

stupid

2008-11-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

i'm listening to a kid whimper and cry as he bangs desperately at their door. i thought i was dreaming, when i unfortunately realized that i wasn't. so, i've been up for the past 5minutes, and i have no idea as to how long that kid has been out there. gawd: i suppose this is the way stupid parents 'discipline' their kids?! haller...calling on the local parent control/ bantay bata 163... if ANYTHING happens to the kid, they're going to be held liable... plus, if they think sending the kid out would help 'calm down' the kid, that's just plain dumb.
everyone, not just the 'couples', should receive good parenting training... yes, yes, EVERYONE. god knows even single people can be easily fertilized and reproduce. anyway, back to the topic: unless would-be parents are confident to step into and follow how their parents' ways, then that's another story.
back to our neighbor/ kid... he's still crying, but at least he''s not banging the door anymore. *tsk* as much as i want to help him out, it's just not my place... poor kid. hopefully, his parents can make up for this by financing their kids' therapy.

stupid parents. let me go to sleep.

after a decade

2008-11-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

a few days ago, i ran into a fellow manresan and half-baked assumptionist, trinna alcantara. after a brief exchange of formalities, she excitedly relayed the news that indeed, it has already been 10 years since we left the school-run-by-brown-nuns manresa... this train of thought inevitably led to the revelation that yes, apparently, someone has hatched a plan and organized a 1998 batch reunion.

*twilight... zone mode* i suddenly remember vividly hearing over the speakers at auditorium: "congratulations to the 101... graduates." i was almost sure i would hear dalmatians. :) anyway, i don't suppose that the person/group organizing the 'reunion' is expecting a big number of people to turn up though: what with the venue of choice. tavern asia has just been up and running for just a little over a month at the most... it's located within the confines of bf and from what i know, is also run by manresa graduates, particularly, batchmates of my younger sister. and the food? ho-humm from what i heard. *sigh* or maybe that's just me being fickle minded and picky... i guess it's nicer to book a small place with a sudden unexpected turn out than to book a grand one with only crickets in attendance.

as much as i want to go and rekindle old flames, reminisce about the good ol' days and hope to see that people do grow up, i can't help but be tied down to *ladida: insert stupid excuse here* aargh! pity... how many 10 year HS reunions will one get to have in a lifetime anyway? *sigh*

let's see how everything turns out on the 29th... i hope i get to hear good reviews... juicy chismis to make up *blurbidoo: insert stupid excuse here again* that ties me down, at least. but if i find out that **** is going to be there, that WOULD be enough reason to have me scuttle my butt quickly to the venue! :D

burning it all!!!

2008-11-14T21:25:00.000-08:00

just checked my account and i got extra money!!! *woot!* hopefully, this will be my last christmas bonus from the school. :) also just got to flip through the newspaper and found out that there's a scholastic book sale going on in both makati and pasay...

i sure hope there would be some overlooked good finds since i already am running late... darn it! i didn't get to sniff it out earlier! *double darn!* eitherway, this is it: I'M BURNING ALL MY MONEY ON BOOKS!!! ;D

manresa

2008-11-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

after a decade, i went back as a 'resource speaker' to 'enlighten' this AY's batch of juniors for their career oreintation. i have no complaints about the crowd: they were pretty good listeners... but god knows how much i wondered and pondered on the word 'desensitization' while i was listening to both the students, teachers and counselors speak outside the auditorium, prior to my talk... they obviously got so used to the way people around them spoke (home or school, it really doesn't matter much), they all practiced bad grammar without any one of them calling out on each other; seriously: i would have welcomed ANY ONE who would raise a knowing eyebrow and laugh/ giggle at a grammatical error, or mispronunciation. i know the difference when people let bad grammar/ mispronunciations slide, and when people really couldn't tell the difference at all. it was really just sad to listen to them naturally shifting from the vernacular to english: it was 'carabao- english' in the divine spotlight. *yikes*shudder*scree* i'd like to believe that we 'old graduates' got all the good stuff: i guess all the good teachers eventually looked for greener pastures when our batch left...

manresa is expanding, growing and building more and more structures; they have maintained a good reputation on nurturing the catholic faith
(as it IS still run by nuns) and have even proven their traditional way of educating children effective as MOST (note that it's still not all) students who leave the boundary and walls of the school manage to do well beyond it. research (remember the pesky objectives?!) is apparently good training for what college may bring for the manresan graduate... but GOD ALMIGHTY, PLEASE: they need all the help they can get in the languages area. yeah yeah: some may beg to disagree... but seriously? everything starts with a good foundation, with the proper and consistent training. if they keep up with the bad grammar and poor communication skills, manresans might start denying they ARE manresans... and i am seriously starting to consider just that. ;p i suddenly wouldn't mind if they started speaking like the kids on the new 90210, one tree hill, or even gossip girl series... aargh!
no wonder my younger sibs speak funny. *groan*

thinking

2008-10-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

i was watching meet joe black on hbo the other day... there was this part in the movie where the character of brad asks the son-in-law what love was like. the guy replied something like "it's when you know everything about each other... know each other's darkest secrets... and they accept you... you're free... free to love each other... completely." somehow, the line didn't sound sappy or cheesy to me at all. strangely, i felt that, fact of the matter is, it rang so true.

we've been the best of friends for a little more over a decade. my day is never complete if i haven't spoken with my s.o.; the day's events, stories, chismis and whatnot seem inanimate, surreal, almost insignificant, unless i get to spill, rant, rave and recount all the details back to him. he's seen me through my ups and downs, constantly held my hand as i waded through life's barrage of random hellos and good byes, tolerated my annoying habits and have been honest enough to give me a slap back to reality when i need it...

we've somehow gotten over and beyond the infatuated dating phase, weirdly extended the probable feeling that honeymooners get for one another, and have meshed everything up into this great, grand and genuine friendship.

for a different perspective, let me put it this way: you remember the feeling when you had this good friend that you kind of developed a really big crush on because he's been so wonderful to you? and you somehow, thought that this friend/crush of yours can never be anything more than that 'cause it will just 'ruin your friendship' ? and as much as you want to stay clear of that feeling of being infatuated, you just can't help but like him more everyday? that's the way i feel.

i was supposed to meet him for our usual date one time, but i got in 30 minutes too early. i decided to go to the bookstore and flip through some on the sale rack (yes,i'm cheap that way). i don't know how it happened, but i somehow got distracted and started checking out this guy browsing through some other book s by the shelves. i was so drawn to him that i followed to get a closer look. imagine my embarrassed and happy surprise to realize it was jeric. :)

gawd: i apparently STILL have the biggest crush on him!

we find comfort in each other, and we enjoy the simplest of things...
i still blush. i still get kilig. and i still find some of his jokes corny, and yet i guffaw like crazy.

we find comfort just hanging- out at his cousin's house and celebrate the camaraderie with an endless supply of green manggoes, bagoong and a slew of other street food... :) on most days, we'd stay at home and watch downloaded movies, while munching on his sister's freshly baked goodies. on days that we do decide to go out- out, we have a built-in radar for each other that we can sort of 'echo-locate' for the other in a sale- crazed mall, sans our mobiles.

darnit.
what if we decided to call it quits?
i should have other friends, just in case...

but then again, who could ever come close? :) i love him.

purse driven

2008-10-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

so, as i was waiting for my coffee to be delivered, i 'accidentally' eavesdropped on a conversation with some ladies from the next table. they kept on yapping about clothes, chismis and fashion... it was a funny/ annoying exchange to listen to as i mentally ticked some grammatical errors, mispronunciations and stupid nonsense. i was having quite a bit of fun and about to mentally tune out the noise with my ipod when i heard them say: 'forget the wallet: it's what's inside your purse that tells so much about you'. hmmm...

i always kind of knew that i really have a teacher/ mom's bag: what with my hair clips, wet wipes, atomizer with alcohol, sanitizer, candy, breath mints, pink pens, notebook, usb... blah blah blah... but purse? kikay kit? hmmm...

in response to the mundane thought that those ladies have given, here i am, dumping out my stuff on the bed, trying to give you a 'glimpse' of what kind of a person am i. i kind of re-dumped it on top of my red bag (for contrast), and here are my daily kikay companions

i guess i've got the usual kikay stuff: if you find that i lack something of importance, let me know. better yet, make the purchase and send it my way. ;D i must be nixing/ overlooking all the 'other' essential products as i'm constantly running after my kids... that doesn't mean i have to a haggard looking teacher though!

so, what's in your purse? ;)

pens and moods

2008-10-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

can i just say that i absolutely ADORE color pens?

i'm almost sure that this romantic infatuation started to become more serious than usual when i got into ECED... ;) you see, i think using RED is too boxed- in; cliché. too serious &/ intimidating... when one spots blushes of pink, purple, green or light blue on any document, however, it makes whatever nasty comment/ editing become more... bearable. :) i guess, in a way, color pens help set my mood: having a colorful set of markers and pens on my desk generally lightens up my mood, makes my editing/ correcting tasks tolerable and obviously makes my comments VERY easy to spot in an otherwise dull piece of paper. ;)

i remember feeling a sense of weird accomplishment once when i finished up the ink of a pen i bought... i guess it kind of made me feel like, 'wow, i didn't lose my pen in the mysterious pen black hole!' and that i must have been working (or doodling!) something fierce because i got to finish the whole thing up! ;p hehe... i know: weird, right? i guess only a select few will be able to understand what i really mean. :)

anyway, i've (apparently) been impulse- buying cute colored pens lately from the bookstore whenever i have the chance (and extra cash!). i think my state of dependence/ pen-happiness is starting to get out of hand though: i just realized that i practically have a whole tool box of different color pens in school and at home! :o

anyway, as if that would stop me. ;D so, here's my new set of babies! (see how my pair of glasses are excited to check them out, too?!)

to deny something like this kind of impulse buying and obsessive infatuation with colors would be ridiculous...

I LOVE PENS!!! :D (and the process of scritch- scratching off the price tags, too!)

so, this is where shameless promotion (or begging!) takes flight: for people who might chance upon this post and want to get on my good side, please feel free to bribe me with colored pens. shades of hot pink, lemon yellow, sky blue, lime green, orange and purple are most welcome. :)

and oh, please don't feel restricted to showering me with just cute- colored pens... chalk, glass and white board markers are acceptable too. ;D

treating myself

2008-10-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

in celebration of my new found happiness (i.e.: life after ****), i made baked prawns for dinner! yey!

*pardon the cheap shot photo: i'm still using my 4 year old casio. :)*

i slathered crab fat and topped it with local kesong puti. and no, i didn't forget to prepare garlic butter with lemon for dribble during the meal!

yumyumyum!

fresh start

2008-10-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

it's FINALLY OUR MID- YEAR BREAK! :D (hurrah!) a few more months to endure and i'll be off to start anew! after 5 academic years, i'll be bouncing to a different beat and walking into a whole new environment... thank goodness! God IS merciful!

i just finished typing my resignation letter; i was initially planning to submit it in december... i was even planning on turning it into such a big deal by asking all the other teachers who were planning to resign to collectively submit it all on the same date! ;p but, thankfully, someone with more angst came along and shook me to my senses: why not submit in february? that way, hr will be in full emergency- panic to fill in the positions! i'm sure it'll be a riot! :)

and of course, i've also started updating my CV!

geez. it's been too darn long since i made my last one: i'm currently finding it too challenging for my *now-on-sleep-mode* mind! (try making your CV now/ on whim if you don't believe me... ugh!) i've also been sniffing out schools and scanning through other options in my head... dad says i should probably just go take a break, study and travel at the same time. though that IS inviting, i don't want to freeload too much on my folks. huller: i already HAVE a 100% disposable income due to the fact that i'm living and dining here at home! (which is not really a bad thing... hardy-harhar!) anyhow, i'll see how everything turns out...

so, in a nutshell: i'm planning to resign. i just finished typing in my resumé. i'm still undecided on what i plan to do next year: study? travel? business? aaargh... so many choices, and i have all the time in the world! (yahoo for me!)

i've never been this dang reckless! oh well: off to a fresh start! :)

moments

2008-10-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

my brother, matthew, told us a few months ago that he's tying the knot with his long- time girlfriend, madel. *yey!* :) they've since then, let us tag along in their quest to find the perfect church (main qualifier being that it has to have really big doors for the grand entrance of the bride ~ aaaw!), asked for help in choosing the best reception place, and matt has even asked for a consensus on which engagement ring style to buy. they were originally planning to settle at our old house in pilar, which is like, a block away from the family house of madel, but, my ever generous and bibbo mom and dad decided to buy them a newly renovated house instead. still in pilar, but relatively further from the in-laws to be (probably so they could have some semblance of independence? :) we joked that maybe they wanted to stay at the old house so they could easily walk to the in-laws for breakfast, lunch and dinner ;D) i'm sincerely happy for both of them. my brother has everything down pat. it's amazing to see him answer with much confidence, of their wedding plans and of their plans to eventually settle in singapore due to work. grabé. :)

they're due to get hitched by may 2009. we're actually having the pamamanhikan (a filipino tradition where families of the groom and bride to be meet... think engagement party.) proper next weekend. ;j *whoah!* taas kamay! :) i'm just sooo happy for my brother. it's overwhelming. :)

time is definitely moving too fast now, and somehow, has managed to catch up with the rest of us. everywhere i look, people are deciding to get engaged/ married. hehehe... i hope it's not some kind of fever people catch! ;)

a childhood friend recently posted a picture of her and her two girls. a former 'suitor' sent me a pic of his triplet daughters. countless batchmates have proudly professed their love for their s.o. and have shamelessly posted it all over the internet. :) despite all the tragedies in the world, the financial crises and the recent worldly controversies, there are still some who take the plunge and to start anew. and i'm so proud and genuinely happy of all of them. i'm continually amazed at people who manage to start afresh; i feel truly ecstatic for these people that i love.

then, some emotional gate crasher manages to get under my skin as they go "o... so, kamusta ka naman? are you ok with all this? pano ka na nyan?" sheez... panira ng moment. these people really proves that misery just LOVES company.

trying to make me feel 'miserable' is just plain pathetic and boring. these subtle emotional psychosis is actually a reflection of their own insecurities. :D laugh trip~ they have no idea that they're the ones who are rendering themselves vulnerable to me. ;)

why can't these darned neanderthals get it that not everyone fit that miserable mold wherein people get decidedly bitter at another person's good fortune? haaay... sa mga tinatamaan: please, grow up. be happy. for once in your miserable lives. TRY to be happy.

if you can't, just LEAVE. duh.

with great power comes great responsibility

2008-10-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

and it apparently rings true. you do something extraordinary/ unexpected, and people will hound you for more.

good work is equivalent to more work. i thought that it just applies to where i live; apparently, there's a strong following in companies everywhere.

sometimes, i kinda feel like: "hey cool! they're taking notice of ordinary me." *blush* and so they shower me with public acknowledgments, let me take the reins to a start up project, consult me in making decisions, take me out to lunch/ dinner, etc... it's not that i'm ungrateful, because really, i truly am. but it's just that the ones that i just mentioned? they're not keeping me financially stable. in fact, they blind me with the facade of being a VIP, when truly, they're just casually putting a tighter collar around my neck so i can work out of 'delicadeza/' gratitude. *hmph!*

just last week, they called me in to meet up with an architect so we could 'pool' on what are the strengths and weaknesses of the school, what we can improve on, etc... geez, what a mismatch. i'm no architect, i have no background on structure, i am more aesthetically challenged than anyone, so why pick me? but i suppose it was STILL way better than being stuck at home, so, stupid, push-over me still went ahead with the meeting. that 'meeting' made me walk through all 5 campuses. in the dead of a VERY humid afternoon. thank GOD i brought my humongous doña fan. i candidly refer to that meeting as my 'campus tour' with the architect. :) hehehe! (i wasn't laughing in the heat then)

we had our first ptc for the academic year (teachers like me usually get so stressed and worked up at this time) this week, so i didn't really get around giving my feedback/ evaluation till yesterday (saturday, 2AM for that matter). gawd. i was late for a stupid report, that they're not even expecting/ asking for, for a full week. what a horrible employee i am. and ang kapal ko: i sent it straight to the top for review. i'm talking ceo, mentor and owner of the school. how about that. and it was no formal report; i just managed to type away in exactly the same way that i'm writing now. sheez. i sent the same message to my immediate boss as well (just in case) and she thanked me for being 'comprehensive' about it. the BIG BOSS on the other hand, wants to send her an sms of my free schedule so i can take time out to meet up with her on monday/ tuesday so she'd see exactly what i was talking about. she wants all the other engineers, architects and iso safety people to tag along as well so they'd know how to fix the flaws, asap. holler?! who's power tripping?

i have to admit though that this is a growing addiction. i usually have the perfect excuse to not spend so much time at home since i'd need to meet up with them, have an emergency meeting, visit a site, attend a seminar, share a thanksgiving dinner, host an event; god knows how eternally gratefully i am to things/ people that help me avoid hanging at the house.. going back, i'm also one of the few employees who see right through their power tripping facade and have a mental picture of each person, guffawing over a joke, eating a burrito, getting dirty and harassed... i also get to hear what, why and when something is going to happen; i know of the inside stuff before it gets out, and how can i ignore the oh.so.yummy.chismis about everyone else?! *grrr* i'm eternally curious... i like to be updated (maybe i's the communication graduate in me), and like i said: it's addicting.

but all those nice things i enjoy also play a role as to why i consider leaving. i'm now well aware of the flaws of the everyone, of the entire institution for that matter; the dirt everyone is hiding; the facts that some are denying. i even know of the company's so called beauty, inside and out. that the wizard's first rule really applies to all this. "people will believe what they want to believe." you show them half an apple and keep on telling the crowd that it's a whole apple, eventually they will take it on as a gloriously amazing truth. tell them an apple is an eco- friendly commodity, and they'll buy it, even though it really isn't as good as they say... (hehe! sidetracking again...) but really: sometimes it's not right to know too much. unfortunately, i fit the bill of that state-witness that everyone wants dead. i know too much and i know how it really works. and it's frustrating to know that somehow, i AM playing a role in the elaborate stage play that is ****.

*aaargh* is it march yet?! i have to leave...

to be a trained pathological liar

2008-10-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

they say the truth can set you free... i didn't mean to be what i have become; it's just that i have finally resigned to the fact that lies are easier to accept over hard 'truths'. to look the other way, deny and/ ignore the obvious truth is just plain easier and bliss-filled to most. (think: "you want to hear the truth?! you can't HANDLE the truth!")

take for example a parent who denies that his/ her child has a learning disability. or falling below average. or has signs of mental retardation. or is already starting to make decisions on their own. or, (horror of horrors! gasp! choke!) growing up.

lying is a skill developed. in my case, i've been training for the past 20something years. i didn't mean to be a like this at all, but the effect of telling the truth always brought more trouble and caused more harm than good in my life. telling the truth about where and who your 'friend' really is with; saying what your coworkers REALLY say behind your back; shedding light on the blatant corruption going on in the workplace; pointing out the manipulation and abuse of power of people from the 'inside;' who your friends are; where you're really hanging out tonight... and my list goes on and on...

it's funny how easy it is for me to be 'myself' when surrounded by friends and colleagues; being able to speak about harsh realties, truthful opinions, and voice out and throw hard balls at each other without judgmental malice. i can NEVER have that with my immediate family.

it's been a hard fact of my life that my relationship with my folks will always be sour and estranged. maybe the age gap is too wide that we just can't agree, or maybe it's the paranoia of seeing their eldest daughter be used by karma to get back at their 'past'... i will never be sure. but still, to be fairly realistic, i'm thinking that it's probably the result of bad experimental parenting: being their first child, they probably didn't know how else to deal with me back then.. i could never shake off the feeling that i was the 'trial and error' phase they had to go through.. they probably got better along the way though (they should probably thank me for that, then) as they seem to have become better, having more 'open' relationships with my other sibs. in my case though, i guess they just couldn't find a way to make the 'new found techniques' apply to me... the bad foundation has already been laid and has set long ago: so, here we are, never being able to get out of the rut we're in.

according to something i read, people hide in the dark what they are ashamed of...

i am not ashamed of what i do, or what connections i keep nor in which relationships i try to maintain. don't get me wrong, i have, in fact, tried to gradually wean my folks to hearing the 'truth' from me this year. i.e.: improving/ saving whatever relationship we have. i have casually (and ever so respectfully) tried to voice out my opinions, dipped my hands more in family matters, empathized with familial concerns... i even started sharing about what happened at work, tried to ask for their guidance when i needed to make significant decisions, introduced them to colleagues and friends, made my s.o. more visible at our home, told them where i was really going, and who i was really going out with... i even went as far as having regular movie dates with my folks, just to find some common ground so we could breed trust and confidence... unfortunately, it didn't pan out the way it's supposed to be.

people have time and again advised me to "talk to them" more. to give them a chance to hear me out; to let them get to know me... uhm, hullo: i am their daughter. living in their house. for the past 26 years. i HAVE tried to reach out. i've tried to bridge whatever gap there was between us, numerous times. all ended in a cold war, shouting match and painful resentment. i'm just so sick and tired about trying to fix this. i guess i should just leave it as it is. they can't tell the difference anyway. i'm tired. and i am so done trying.

so, as you can see, i did try to tell the truth. but it just doesn't work that way here.

so, here i am, reverting to become, once again, an all natural, pathological liar. showering my parents with the false truth that they so willingly and blissfully accept, and sharing my blissfully happy truths with the 'other' company i keep... *sigh* thank GOD for my new found family: the pulidos and for the concepcions. they're unbelievably awesome. thank goodness too for friends who know me and accept me as i am. :)

sayang.
i just hope that someday, they'll realize it was THEY who ruined the opportunity, and nonchalantly pushed me away.
i hope one day, they'll realize, that it's my friends who know me better; and that they never really knew me at all.

the beginning is the end is the beginning...

2008-09-20T08:01:00.001-07:00

Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Time has stopped before us
The sky cannot ignore us
No one can separate us
For we are all that is left
The echo bounces off me
The shadow lost beside me
There's no more need to pretend
Cause now I can begin again

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain
Strange
Strange
Strange

vindicated

2008-08-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

all those sarcastic replies and cynical retorts.
the incessant backstabbing. the endless rumor- mongering.

laughing at whatever i believed in and making me doubt myself.
hitting me when i'm low. raining on my parade when i'm high up.

never failing to sport the 'holier and better than everyone' attitude.
mocking me for choosing the right person to love...

oh, but looking back...

thank you for all those long days when you bullied, laughed and picked on me.
i really thought i was stupid for having tolerated that much cruelty from just one person.

ironically, it was these experiences that have surprisingly made me stronger.
without those life lessons you've unwittingly given,

vindication wouldn't have felt this good.

i didn't need to wish for anything, or ask anyone to avenge me and all that i stood for.
you have finally, stupidly, brought it upon yourself.

my self- destructive friend: my dear emotional vampire.
finally, karma comes for you.

love it!

you are what you read

2008-08-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

i saw and heard it somewhere that one way to get to know people is by rummaging through their trash (was it CSI?!). it may ring true for some, but in my book, you don't really have to go as disgustingly far as checking out what was thrown out... (holler: they throw those things out for a REASON!) you just check out their book shelves and you'll pretty much get an idea as to who that person is and how their minds tick.

encyclopedias, storybooks, comics, pocket books and magazines... those were staples in my bedroom when i was young... and apparently, these media are still natural furnishings found in my room! don't worry though: i've crossed over to different kinds of genres.

***some dimwits from my not.so.distant.past always seem to view book.toting people as nerdy freaks of nature. thank goodness i didn't succumb to the taunting and teasing... *smile* look at where those people are now.

ever so predictable, i pass time scouring book sales whenever i'm at the mall: it's usually the first thing i go to upon entering any establishment, and the last thing i check out right before i leave. the same routine follows when i meet up with a friend that i.haven't.seen.for.a.long.time at their house: i discreetly check out what's on their shelves... that way, i can pretty much gauge how the hook up would go: should i kick myself for choosing to meet up with this person over sleeping? how quickly i should bolt for the nearest exit?

but seriously, i admit i'm a chronically impulsive book.buyer.

torture for me is synonymous to walking inside an impressive bookstore and not finding anything to buy (or realizing i've already purchased most of the good reads)... and, a doozie fact that jeric chanced upon: one way to force me into a 'sweaty' workout would be to make me scrounge for books laying on some low shelf, or picking my kids' books from the floor. laugh.snort all you want, but seriously, that IS something that i strangely enjoy.

gawd: i realized i have tons of books. hullo: i've already given out some of the books to charity, extended my library to both the munich and elizalde campuses of the school, and STILL found some to pitch onto the stonyhurst library. and look at what are still in my room. now that's HOT.

but then again, maybe it's just the guru in me... ;)

nobody's patsy

2008-07-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

been wanting to do this for quite a time but never got around it as i had to compete and forage for the computer at home back then... but, with the onset of a new laptop in my own quiet little nook, i now have the freedom to finally dip my toes into the growing pool of bloggers and join the rest of the growing clique. hahaha.

expect flat lines once in a while as i will still be busy deciding on how to make other people's life miserable for the greater good of society... oh, such an enjoyable burden.. perhaps i'm just returning the favor then. *touché!*

nonetheless, i do have to report back to the humdrum of the steady pulse... books are staring me in the eye: their pages daring me to pick them up. and still, the great egos of kibitzers are all around; loudly taunting me... darn karma: telling me to leave them up to her?!

oh, but still: reality calls me by name...

teacher gela rules. ;j